Lessons from an end-of-life course

Dear Ones,

This week I conclude my elder care / death doula course from Choose Nurture. The biggest learning has been that I find I am far more aware of the ending in everything. Everything has a beginning, a life of its own, a conclusion, and then a return. This newsletter begins, you read through, you finish, you open the next. And there are systems within systems that are living and leaving as well. For example, you get emails from me and finish with them, and new ones can follow. And you get emails in general which you sit down and read. Once concluded, you can use your time for something else.

Finishing is essential. And often not my strong point. I don’t want to finish a good book; I want the story to go on and if I don’t finish, it is still there. But in that lingering presence, still alive in my time, it starts to block the current of other books, other activities. I start another, I start another… There is actually a neurological chemistry that is set in motion when we begin that waits to be completed and bring the brain to rest.

To be honest, this has hampered me all my life and stems from a sense of deep shortage that there just won’t be enough; not enough time, not enough soap, not enough love, not enough awareness. So I hold on and hope what I have doesn’t end.

While the course was practical in health directives, difficult conversations, bedside manner in hospice, for me it was beneficial for the simple direct confrontation - all things end. Time with a community of people to discuss and resources to explore was life-changing. My life has a new quality of flow and participation as I learn to apply all of the death and dying lessons to the dailiness of each day and action. Overall, these were my top take aways for instruction on being with the dying:

1/ Witness. Be present. I notice my inclination to rush around, do things. I notice my inclination towards being overwhelmed when I experience grief or loss. I notice both of these are enormous depletions of energy that take me away from an experience at hand rather than towards it or better yet, through it. Haste, drama, blame are all a means to be absent from the intensity of the moment. I know better. I know the fortitude of my physical form, I know the steady, relentlessness of my breath that is always with me. Be present, Martha. Steady, girl, as my father would say.

I am learning to slow down, to stand in the thick of it, to let it wash through, to let it conclude, whatever it is, and then return in new form.

If I can show up with grace and order and presence, this can be the greatest balm to all involved.

2/ It’s happening everywhere. SA TA NA MA as our mantras teach us. Birth, Life, Death, Rebirth. It is everywhere. Death is everywhere. As is birth. Seeing one I can see the other, and then relish what lies between them more fully. Mourn the loss. Feel. Move it through. There will be more to feel. And more to feel. And more to feel.

I sat in the sun with the cat on my lap and felt her breath on my arm as she slept. I felt her breath on my arm. So precious, each little, moist puff, knowing she would wake and hop down.

Our homeschooling has ended. My dinner has ended. My sister’s dog has passed. A new family has moved in who homeschool. Breakfast is packed and prepared in the fridge. Aware of the smaller cycles of starts and finishes I feel more prepared for the larger endings of marriages, jobs, and lives. I feel more awake.

3/ My practice is essential. I have new appreciation for my time on my mat, new dedication to pedaling uphill and meeting the places I’d rather get off, and building the neutrality of mind for one more, one more, one more so I can stay..

Not only have I learned to call on this before engaging in a charged environment where other hearts are feeling big feelings, but also as a means to process what I have accumulated so the return can be clearer, the flow more free. Go walking. Find a rhythm, walk and walk and walk it out so that there is clarity at the end. Write. Sing. Shake. Scrub the floors and dishes and desk, re-home what I’m done with so that new things can come through.

It takes routine, consistency, and boundaries. It requires a form of basic human hygiene: regulate to ride the disregulation, not to ignore it or stop it. Build systems of time and attention in my world so that the joy and pain of these modern days can be seen and felt without building into symptoms to force us to stop and attend.

Don’t stop, Martha. Don’t close down in fear that it won’t last. It’s passing. All of it. But you can prepare to stay moment by moment. Steady, girl.

May these thoughts serve you.

All love and blessings, Martha

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UPCOMING:

RETREAT I will be teaching at a retreat / min-festival with 3 other teachers. We are hosted by ChoZen in Sebastian, FL which is a eco-sanctuary / retreat space that integrates land, farm, community, and retreat space.

March 13-17, 2025 ChoZen Retreat Center

There will be daily kundalini, vinyasa, breathwork, hot/cold plug, even stand-up paddle board classes and dharma talks. Plenty to do, lovely varied accommodations to rest in, and farm-to-table meals for all. Please let me know if you are interested. Registration is accessible through my website.

I don’t make any money from this gathering. But I am keen to support an effort to be more ecologically aware of how we can gather in Nature with less impact and more collaboration with the site, the teachers, and the community. If you are interested, take a look at the retreat home page hosted by FloYo Wellness and the site of ChoZen. All the information and links are also on my website.

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AND mark your calendars, I will teach my annual January 1 class : Kundalini by Candlelight - with the cards around the room, candles, and an amazing practice that will take us through body and through the seasons of 2025. 4 - 5:30pm @ TRIBE